I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
