So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that