My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories