goodnight i made you a song goodbye
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
then he tried to convert me to islam
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.