One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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