i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
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You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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