i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
