His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
