If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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