I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
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I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
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I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wear drunk well.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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