theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
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Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday