Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed