I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
