I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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