Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
