No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?