just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?