it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.