I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
