well you can't waste a boner
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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