I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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