chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night