I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.