I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high