Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
