i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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