I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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