then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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