I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull