literally had 100 drinks last night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
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P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts