I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.