You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
