once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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