With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
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You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
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She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize