You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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