I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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