textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
