If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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