shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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