I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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