We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
