My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
