I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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