I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
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I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet