Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
In America we eat man semen.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.