How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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