Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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