im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"