I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
These 23 People Are Living Shocking Lies
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it