there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.