i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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