So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
