If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
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Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine