I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's