the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.