im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
