Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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