The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
