hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
