Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
