Michael Bay diarrhea
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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