we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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