sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
