if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap