Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
